Green Shoots

It's complicated.

A tiny phrase but one that holds so much meaning.

She's wonderful, and caring and sweet. She's understanding and gentle. We literally finish each others sentences. I could easily love her. She's beautiful, brave and so strong. She makes me feel loved, and like I'm not as damaged as I think. Willing to let me be myself, and deal with all the confusion, paranoia and sadness that comes with that. She's funny, intelligent, sharp witted and balanced. So perfect for me.

But socially, unacceptable. For multiple reasons. To the point where I'm sure I'm going to disappoint so many people if things progress with her.

Time will tell on this one. But I think she's going to be so good for me.

Watch this space.x

New Things...

So... here are a few new things that I think are going to be positive.

1. A new friend. Someone I've known for a little while, but until now, we've not properly got to know each other. This one i think will be a friend for life.

2. Part time job. Ok, not much in the way of hours or money, but it'll help, and get me out of the house until i can manage to find a full time or a second part time job. not sure which I'd prefer yet, but the people at the new little job are great, and really understanding.

3. An old friend. Re-surfaced. Used to get along so well, and we seem to be patching up old wounds. Would be great to forge new bonds.

I think that's about it. but those things have made me realise that there is light, and life changes constantly. who knows what's around the corner. The thing is, if I give up now, I'll never know. It's going to be a hard journey. and maybe it will get even harder, but right now, I'm willing to give life the benefit of the doubt.

So much for the up mood.

Well, even having Dapper and Darkstar here, and having a lovely meal with Absynthe, my mood dropped considerably tonight.

I can't stop thinking about how disappointed in myself I am.

I'm very lonely.

I need intimacy and love to survive. And I really don't know if I can without it.

A positive day

So after that dramatic entrance into this chapter of my life, today has been strangely calm. I've tidied, cleaned and generally got myself a little in order, and spent the rest of my time making daisy chains and laying in the sun.

Not a bad day all in all.

Still struggling with some thoughts. mostly of Angelwings. Really wish i could stop missing him.

Off to get some dinner now as Dapper and Darkstar are on their way over, and need to make something yummy.

Fingers crossed the up mood lasts.

Changes...

Hi All, (that is, anyone who still bothers to check this),

So... everything has changed.

Angelwings and I are no longer together. His heart told him I'm not the one.

So here I am. Moved to a whole new place, new house, new job, but somehow... everything feels wrong.

I'm told this will change. I'm having a hard time believing I'll ever be happy again.

There are so many things that I know I need, but apparently these are all things I can't have.

I'm sorry, dear readers, but this isn't going to be a happy blog for a while. But bear with me, because I have hope.

With any luck, and with this much time on my hands, I'll be posting much more often for the foreseeable future.

Kitania.x