Introductions

So! Once again, I have neglected my blog for months.... My apologies for this.

It's time to introduce a new character.

Taavi.

What can I say. It looks like (and yes, I'm sure i'll get rolled eyes from so many people for saying this) I may have found the one.

The odd thing is, I thought at this stage I would be able to say 'My life is perfect', 'everything has just fallen into place', 'I've never been happier', but that's just not the case. Taavi has fitted into my life like he was always there. It's just, right. Comfortable, easy and so wonderful. I'm happy and contented, but my life hasn't been turned upside down.

I'm hoping this is the way it's supposed to feel when you know it's going to last.

Kits.xx

why??

Why can't I sleep? I've been in bed for an hour and a half... lights out, nice and warm, no noise. And I just can't sleep.... I'm going to be knackered at work tomorrow... again!

I'm so fed up with this...

Any ideas?

It just gets more exciting in my world...

I've just bought a headlight... woo!! I don't think I can cope with this kind of excitement any longer....

New low...

Eating ham... out of a tin.... sigh....

A first

Well... no applause for me after a performance tonight.

This shouldn't bother me as much as it has... Perhaps I'm not as good as I thought...

:(

Saturday slobbing

Eating buttered crumpets, drinking tea, watching QI and playing Fish Tycoon. What better way to spend a Saturday afternoon?

Well... apart from actually doing something fun.....

Doctors

Lots of pain in my right hip forced me to go see the doc today.

Hopefully those who know me will realise this means it's pretty bad, as I generally avoid going to the docs if I can. They've given me some pills, but basically made out that it's mostly in my head..... That old chestnut again. Whether it be 'I think the stress and anxiety you are feeling may be amplifying the pain' or 'it might be a good idea to contact the local mental health team to find out what's underlying these issues' I feel that basically, they're telling me it's not real.....

Bloomin' well feels real... *grumps*

Kits.xx

Evenings in...

sooo..... watching a rubbish American teen drama, eating 'fluff' out of the jar and snuggling my cat... on my own... in a tiny maisonette....

When did this happen???

A few changes

So... just to mention.. a few people have disappeared from the cast list....

This isn't because they mean any less to me now.... just because... due to life's mixed tapestry, they won't be making much of an appearance in my blog any more.

I miss you all.

I'm back! How many times...

So! once again, I've remembered that I have this blog... I bet no one even bothers to look at it any more.

Well I had a brainwave today... I know.. amazing.

I'm going to do a sponsored silence to raise awareness of the silent condition that is Fibromyalgia. Watch this space... more detail to come on here and facebook... and probably twitter. (i'm being all modern and social media savvy)

Kits.xxx

Afterthought...

I suppose these things will only change if I change them...

Where to start.

I suppose Tori is the biggest hurdle. Alot of things will be made better if her situation can be sorted out. At least the basic things.

Although... that will leave us both open to ask the bigger questions... Can we face them?

Kits.xx

The Turning of the Year

So, here comes the end of 2011....

I really wish that somehow, at midnight on december 31st some magical event would happen and things could really change.

Not just empty promises and forgotten resolutions... real change.

Although I suppose my list of wishes would be even too long for magic....

Kits.xx

Update

I keep forgetting I have a blog.

Well I left the house I was living in with Absynthe. Back with Minnie now.

It's tough. Not enjoying it much. Need to get a job.

Doubting everyone and everything.

Need help.

Slip...

I slipped up. I'm not sure why, because things seem to be looking up. New prospects of freedom and independence, and even positive vibes on the job front. I'm getting not only support from Minnie about Tori, but from other friends too. I've talked out problems with my living arrangements with Absynthe, and she agrees that it would be good for me to go and get my own place. But only once I'm settled in a job, and have some money behind me. Tori... well... Tori is wonderful. She makes me happy, and I care more for her every day. Things are looking up in all departments

This all leads me to wonder why I've started struggling so much. Is it me being self destructive, and trying to sabotage my own life? Sometimes I wonder if I somehow feel I don't deserve any success.

I honestly don't understand myself.

I wish someone could help me. But I know I'm the only one who can do that.

I'm trying to be positive, but finding it harder all the time.

This has to stop.

Today my mind is scattered.

There are so many thoughts running through my head that I can't seem to get straight.

I wonder what I should do about where I'm living. I know what would be sensible, but is it really the right thing to do, for my happiness' sake?

My feelings for Tori are real, but the problems I'm having reconciling our differences and the issues others are having with us. She is very mixed up, and is struggling with thoughts that will seriously harm her. It's heartbreaking and I wish there was something I could do to help her. Every day, I try to remind her how much she means to me. Her family love her (in their way) and she is so strong and so brave. She is beautiful, intelligent and so kind, but she can't see it. I'm terrified of losing her, but I'm at a loss.

This is uppermost in my mind, and I have no answers.

Everything else pales in comparison.

A Constant Fight

Why does nothing good ever come easy?

Tori....

Struggling with little support for my choices. Very little motivation to... well... live.

Can see how things need to change, but it's going to be a very long and difficult road.

Tori helps... but still having to keep a lid on something that i want to just run with. To which, as anyone who knows me will attest, I'm not good at.

I'm very tired of this.

Minnie understands, but doesn't condone. Her opinion means everything to me, so this is the hardest to deal with.

Absinthe wants to meet Tori. but the distance makes it almost impossible.

Tori's family seems to be accepting me... but I'm still very aware that I'm under careful scrutiny... and I'm not doing too well...

Really want Red to come home. I want to talk to her about everything, but I'm scared she's going to warn me off Tori too...

All I know is that I'm starting to feel stronger because of her. She makes me laugh, and keeps my head up.

Hope is my only resort now.

Green Shoots

It's complicated.

A tiny phrase but one that holds so much meaning.

She's wonderful, and caring and sweet. She's understanding and gentle. We literally finish each others sentences. I could easily love her. She's beautiful, brave and so strong. She makes me feel loved, and like I'm not as damaged as I think. Willing to let me be myself, and deal with all the confusion, paranoia and sadness that comes with that. She's funny, intelligent, sharp witted and balanced. So perfect for me.

But socially, unacceptable. For multiple reasons. To the point where I'm sure I'm going to disappoint so many people if things progress with her.

Time will tell on this one. But I think she's going to be so good for me.

Watch this space.x

New Things...

So... here are a few new things that I think are going to be positive.

1. A new friend. Someone I've known for a little while, but until now, we've not properly got to know each other. This one i think will be a friend for life.

2. Part time job. Ok, not much in the way of hours or money, but it'll help, and get me out of the house until i can manage to find a full time or a second part time job. not sure which I'd prefer yet, but the people at the new little job are great, and really understanding.

3. An old friend. Re-surfaced. Used to get along so well, and we seem to be patching up old wounds. Would be great to forge new bonds.

I think that's about it. but those things have made me realise that there is light, and life changes constantly. who knows what's around the corner. The thing is, if I give up now, I'll never know. It's going to be a hard journey. and maybe it will get even harder, but right now, I'm willing to give life the benefit of the doubt.

So much for the up mood.

Well, even having Dapper and Darkstar here, and having a lovely meal with Absynthe, my mood dropped considerably tonight.

I can't stop thinking about how disappointed in myself I am.

I'm very lonely.

I need intimacy and love to survive. And I really don't know if I can without it.

A positive day

So after that dramatic entrance into this chapter of my life, today has been strangely calm. I've tidied, cleaned and generally got myself a little in order, and spent the rest of my time making daisy chains and laying in the sun.

Not a bad day all in all.

Still struggling with some thoughts. mostly of Angelwings. Really wish i could stop missing him.

Off to get some dinner now as Dapper and Darkstar are on their way over, and need to make something yummy.

Fingers crossed the up mood lasts.

Changes...

Hi All, (that is, anyone who still bothers to check this),

So... everything has changed.

Angelwings and I are no longer together. His heart told him I'm not the one.

So here I am. Moved to a whole new place, new house, new job, but somehow... everything feels wrong.

I'm told this will change. I'm having a hard time believing I'll ever be happy again.

There are so many things that I know I need, but apparently these are all things I can't have.

I'm sorry, dear readers, but this isn't going to be a happy blog for a while. But bear with me, because I have hope.

With any luck, and with this much time on my hands, I'll be posting much more often for the foreseeable future.

Kitania.x

New things, that aren't new... but are kind of... new....

So.... I've just realised that one of the most important people in this young fairy's life at present is yet to be mentioned here.

AngelWings.

For those of you who know me, he will need no introduction. But for those that don't (she writes, contemplating whether this humble blog is read by a wider sphere than her immediate friends) here is all I really need to say about him...

He is everything.

Observations on life #1

Two lines of people outside food venders - one exclusively chubby girls, and one thin athletic types. One is for Zuma, known for fresh fruit smoothies and one is for Greggs.... No prizes for guessing which is which...

Dress sizes, surprises and fishtails..

'What about this one?' Gnomie asked, holding up a beautiful wine red evening dress.

'Oooh.... it's beautiful... oh... but it's a size 8' I respond, the disappointment tangible.

'I reckon it'll fit you. Come on, lets try it. I bet you it'll be fine.'

We walk to the fitting rooms, and I start to pull the dress on over my head. It sticks firm at my hips....

'see, told you...'

'no no, try stepping into it, it's a fishtail, so it's one of those ones that goes in and out and then back in again.' I giggle slightly at Gnomies comment, but proceed to pull the dress back over my head and step into it.

'please, please, please' I beg to the unseen fitting room Gods....

I breathe in, and it slips over my hips and settles.

Gnomie turns to me. 'Oh wow... that's gorgeous'.

'You think?'

'Absolutely. We have a winner'

I take a step back and smile gently, reveling in the moment.

It took me the rest of the day to stop gloating.... 'It's a size 8 you know...'

P.S.

I'll be updating now.... I promise....

I've been away a while...

Alot has happened in the last 10 months.....

I wont re-cap, as I'd be here forever.

Suffice to say, I've lost love, fallen in love, been broken, lost my job, lost myself... for a time... discovered my true friends...

But most of all, I've discovered myself.

Turns out I'm not as bad as I thought... Funny that.....

It's the waiting....

BlackDiamond has been away again this weekend.

He's a climber and a mountaineer. There's definitely something ruggedly exciting about it. The smell of chalk, fear and the elements that rouses such primal emotions.

But when he's away the seconds drag so slowly until the message tone rings out.

Just that tiny noise tells me he's ok and I can breathe again.

In Love

When you realise the simplicity of love, it is the easiest thing in the world.

BlackDiamond pulls away in his van. 'I love you too' he mouths...

That was when I knew today was going to be good.

Don't worry, be happy...

- Extract from a conversation with Me and Myself -

'Look, there's very little point in all this worry, if you can do something about it, do it, and stop worrying. If there is nothing you can do, there is no point in worrying, so stop anyway!'

'yes, I know that, but if I don't worry about these things, who will?'

'No-one. Shut up.'

The Feelings Vacuum...

Why is it that a decision can seem so right one day, and so wrong the next?

I can only assume that this is a test, or some sort of divine humour...

Also, is love enough? Even when you love someone so much that the thought of losing them sends you into a misery spiral for days... can it still be just 'wrong'?

Wrongness.... why is it so hard to comprehend...?

Tired? Who's Tired?

Sitting on my bed, surfing the net trying to find out what the name of the song from the wine gums advert was, Minnie calls from the other room. 'Are you going to get to bed?'

I reply 'No, I'm not hungry...'

Dark Times, and Good Friends

Sitting alone, and exhausted in my darkened room i reach out to distant friends.

Piskie is online. A recently discovered kindred spirit. A box appears.

'hey,'

A tiny word, but all the company I crave.

'Hi Piskie. I don't suppose I could see you sometime soon?'

'I can imagine so!' she says, lighthearted, but then recognises the solemn tone in my text. 'You alright Babe?'

'No' i respond 'Not really. I could do with a friend'

'Whats wrong hunny?'

I sigh at reading the last question I want to answer, but respond reluctantly. 'Everything. Absolutely everything. I feel like my world is collapsing and I can't hold the weight'.

A sad face icon is all I can see of Piskies sympathy. 'Tell me'.

I gulp back tears. My eyes burn with the effort.

'I can't. thats the trouble. It's all just...' I try desperately to articulate myself. To make this feeling understood and perhaps give someone the chance to help me. I fail hopelessly.

'It's all just.....wrong.'

Lady Luck...

So, we're munching our way through our 2nd course, and on being asked what she thinks of OB going to America, Taloola-May replies "Yes, I don't mind you taking OB, as long as he comes back in one piece". She sits for a moment, moving her paella around the tiny plate, "Of course, you've got to bring back my lucky dollar bill".

Fanny-F looks troubled for a moment. "what if we bring back a different one?"

"Or" adds Gertrude"what if we get to America, and they outlaw all one dollar bills and force us to burn them!"

Taloola-May puts on her 'as if' face and looks over at me. I giggle and shrug my shoulders hopelessly.

"That's ok" she responds, "I'll accept a Twenty..."

OB leaves for America tomorrow, along with Fanny-F and Gertrude. We (that is, Fanny-F, Gertrude, SugarPlum, Taloola-May, myself and of course, OB) decided to go for farewell tapas, and had only been sat down long enough to order our drinks.

"SP, Do you like Cinnamon?" calls Fanny-F across the table. I turn to SugarPlum, waiting on her response. She thinks for a moment, "um... yes....?"

"Ok, Have you ever tasted...um...." Fanny-F stumbles, "Cinnamon?" SP replies.

A wave of laughter washes over us, as Fanny-F gesticulates wildly and shouts "no no no!!... that's not what I meant..." our laughter fades to giggles, leaving the sound of Spanish guitar in the background. "What I mean is, have you ever tried Sailor Jerry's rum?"

Lighting fast, from the other side of the table, comes the voice of Taloola-May ..."She cried".

The joy of regression....

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=47594140081

I assure you..no students were harmed during the making of this video...

consider.....

'Theres nothing quite as satisfying as a lovely bit of alphabetising'

Nypherbell's gems for the day............

'Right Denise, you're not longer a man...'

Also ponderings on the scary perfume/makeup counter personnel gauntlet.... the race is on to avoid blinding sprays and impromptu eyeshadow.......

I feel we'll be hearing more from this feisty fairy......

So.... my Japanese name is apparently

Endou Natsumi

Which means 'distant wisteria picks vegetables'

apparently.....

A Lunchtime Thought....

Why is it that no one has yet invented a nacho that can withstand the full weight of a good mouthfull of chilli?

First Post

So... this is my blog.

I've been meaning to do this for quite some time, but an old friend has finally given me the motivation i needed.

I have a fraction of her talent, and highly doubt that anyone will read this, but hey, it's worth a try.

So...

This will be full of the beauty of random thought.

No structure... just inspiration and dreamy wonderings....